Tuesday, October 15, 2013

Kids Watch Everything You Do

I applied for my first real job when I was 18 years old. I wanted to be a cabin counselor at the summer camp where I had been a camper myself for 8 years. I was having a phone interview with the Program Director, Kelly, who was my former favorite cabin counselor from two of the summer sessions I attended as a kid. We were going over expectations of working with the kids and she stressed the importance of always maintaining a positive attitude. “If you don’t like green beans, and that is what we are having for dinner, just at least eat some of the green beans and be happy about it because if you are excited about green beans, they will be excited about green beans. If you’re counting calories and not eating bread, they will count calories and not eat bread.”


I thought, “Ok, that’s easy enough. I can eat anything!”


Kelly:  “One of my campers' moms told me that when it was time to take her daughter for her first bra, her daughter said she wanted a sports bra ‘Because that’s what Kelly wore.’ I don’t wear sports bras all of the time but I did at camp, of course. So you never know when someone is watching you!”


Molly: “Awkward!”


Kelly: “Are you sitting down?”


Molly: “Yeah, why?”


Kelly: “Molly, that was your mom.”


I had totally forgotten but she was right! I do have a vague memory of asking my mom for a sports bra like Kelly! We both got a big laugh out of that and Kelly said that she has used that story for training other counselors countless times.



Many parents bring their child to therapy because they want their child to stop doing something. Occasionally, the best way to discourage a problem behavior is for the parents to stop engaging in it themselves. Limiting screen time is a common goal parents have. When children see their parents using the computer and watching TV for four or more hours a day, they are socialized to use the computer or watch TV for four or more hours a day.


The best way to get your child to brush her teeth is to brush your teeth.


Seems simple. But to many parents there is a double standard. “I am the adult; he’s the child.” Adults do have rights and privileges that children don’t. Adults can stay up late, drink beer, and cuss like sailors, but don’t forget for a second that as you exercise these freedoms, YOU ARE BEING WATCHED.


I was treating a teenage girl whose parents wanted her to quit smoking. They were growing especially concerned because her two year younger brother was now expressing an interest in smoking which they believed was due to his sister’s influence. The girl was being treated at a residential facility for other mental health issues and while at the facility, she never once complained of any cravings or attempted to sneak-in any cigarettes. Only during visits home on the weekend was the smoking an issue.


The parents viewed this as, “See, she could quit if she wanted to. She goes the entire week at your facility without a cigarette and is perfectly fine.” In other words, they believed she was smoking to annoy them.


Before a family session, I would ask my client on a scale of one to ten how much she wanted a cigarette and she said, “1.” When we entered the session, I asked her the same question and she replied, “8.” The reason was obvious to everyone in the room, except her mother. Her mother smelled heavily of cigarette smoke. I would have to open a window after sessions to let the air out before my next appointment. Her mother did not know this about herself as she had become accustomed to the smell. We were able to address this in the session and were able to explain that when Mom goes outside to smoke at home, the client’s scale of wanting a cigarette jumps to a ten. The client explained the only time she has ever craved a cigarette while in the facility was when a staff member came in from a smoke break and their clothing smelled like smoke.


The parents had a difficult time accepting this at first because after all, adults are legally allowed to buy cigarettes but minors are not. They were able to better understand that asking her to quit while at the same time triggering her cravings probably wasn’t the most supportive way of helping her achieve her goal. The girl truly wanted to quit and didn’t like the fact that she smoked. Her mother admitted that she was the same age as her daughter when she took up smoking and had not stopped since.


By the time the girl was ready to leave treatment, she had completely stopped smoking and the mother was down to smoking only e-cigarettes outside away from the kids. I don’t know how they are doing now with being smoke-free but I wouldn’t be surprised if both her kids picked up the e-cigarettes!

Kids are not ashamed to admit that they watch what we do! One of their favorite songs they asked me to play for them was this country song by Rodney Atkins called “Watching You.” Enjoy!


Kids will even watch you when they pretend not to like you. Imagine the most emo girl in the world who was too cool for everyone and everything. This facade was due to every adult in her life completely breaking her trust. Her foster care worker asked if we could meet on a certain day and I replied, "Um, I'm not sure, I'll have to check my schedule." The girl interjected, "She can't. She has to go to a training that day." I had totally forgotten that I had a one day training that was two weeks away. She must have noticed it on my calendar- when I wasn't watching! Even though she was "too cool" for me, she took note of when I was going to be in and out of the office because I was someone she could trust.

Please, let me know on Twitter or Facebook any stories of kids emulating you when you least expected it. Thanks for reading! Talk to you soon, 

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